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Singles Chat Live Talk Discussion
Harlan's Single Talkshop chat room "Talk It Out Therapy" is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost.
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| lost....don't know where to start... |
| Married 14 years. All was good. we had normal challenges, and always came out closer and stronger for them. Then she found an old boyfriend from before our marriage and her previous marriage. They reconnected as friends; he's married with family too. Both families got together in Calif. last year for a vacation, we all got along great and had fun. Then we went and visited his family overseas last year...another great trip. Then my wife tells me she still has feelings for him. She assured me she wouldn't leave me and could work through it. I tried to be understanding. All seemed fine for about another year. Then, suddenly, she tells me that she can't explain why except to say the chemistry is just too strong, so she HAS to be with him physically. She asked my permission. I said no. She said she didn't want to have to choose. I said she did. And she chose him. Now she and I are separated, but still cohabitating (there really are no other options) and they are planning their rendezvous for three weeks from now. Theya are also making life plans together and he is going to leave his wife. So...understandably, i am depressed. Seeing her all happy and hearing her video-call him in the middle of the night for hours and finding sexual writings on notecards they flash each other online so they can keep the sound down makes it worse. We had a life-plan 14 years in the making and I worked VERY hard to support her and to make these plans a reality....now she already has other plans and my life is a big, gaping hole. I feel like i've been kicked off the planet and am just floating in black space. She says i'm over-reacting...that the end of a relationship shouldn't be the end-all, be-all...but i think that that is unfair of her to say since she already has her happy-ending in the making. She seems to resent that i am taking it so hard. I have no energy, i feel sad, i feel scared, all i can do is distract myself with working on the house. I come home from work and i finf myself just pacing back and forth in a little four foot square area of the kitchen...i want to drink and drink and drink alcohol...which i did the first few days...but i just CAN'T keep it up, physically which is probably a good thing. I don't want to tell my family yet because i feel like i have failed. I feel used up and tossed aside. I ...just...don't...know...where...to...start... |
| By : Matthew : Male |
| Date/time : 03/11/09 02:08:00 |
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NewlyLost |
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Male |
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Start here: http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/over_again.html. The articles give a fair road map of where you are, what you are feeling, what you will feel, and where you will be going. And how to recover. This has been immensely helpful for me. The thing is, she is off filling herself up with her new plans and thinks she is fine, but doing so with all the same old baggage plus a whole new set of issues. He's wrecking his family over this too. Maybe they will be happily ever after together, but it isn't the safe bet. How can they ever trust their relationship after what each of them has done to theirs? Meanwhile, those of us thrown away like the smelly scrapings off the bottom of a shoe, suffer unimaginable pain, guilt, loss, etc. It is overwhelming, and normal. My heart beats faster, my breathing is labored, for days and weeks at a time, all from emotional stress. I've been fairly non-functional for a while now. This consumes my every thought. Avoid the alcohol. It is a natural depressant. Not what you need right now. Find support. Friends, family, divorce support groups, therapy, forums like this one. Just dump these feeling out to those who can understand, it will heal you. Use your friends who can't understand for lighter support, like a good laugh, a movie, or whatever. You'll get through this. We're here for you, just as you're here for us. |
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04/11/09 01:08:51 |
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Donna |
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Female |
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You've made the first step of asking for help by posting your feelings here. GREAT for you! I was married 23 years when my husband left me for another woman (she worked for him). It was like hitting a brick wall going 100 miles an hour. I know exactly what you are going through. I cleaned my refrigator every day for two weeks straight at 2 in the morning! Now what I did that worked for me, I confided in two of my best friends, found a great support group called Divorce Care put on by a local church (and it was not a church that I went to). Did not cost anything. And the help it gave me to be able to vent to others going through the same thing. If going to a church is uncomfortable there are other groups out there. My work at the time also offered consuling and that helped with anoutside theripst. I didn't go long I just needed to get it out. I also found comfort in doing things, I walked and walked. This gave me time to cry my heart out without my kids and my SBTX seeing me. As a result I lost weight, I actually started feeling better, I concentrated on work, found a hobby that got me out of the house and away from him until he left me. It is VERY hard to act normal but you will get through it. Do NOT turn to alcohol - join a gym - work out - it gets you away from the home and you will meet new people and will do something better for you! AND most important - you need to eat. I know its hard but even if its a little something EAT! Your body will need it. DO NOT stay in the house if you don't have to. GET OUT and do something for yourself. I had kids so it was hard but I had to get out when I could and it helped. The first step is hard and you did it. You found this place. It helped me. It has been 3 years since I went through this. I'm better now, much better. And I thank Harlan for having this place.
Smile - it will make her wonder what you are up to! LOL. |
| Date/Time |
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04/11/09 21:24:37 |
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3 |
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SARAH |
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Female |
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I feel the same way. Like why aren't they hurting as much as me. And why aren't they hurting as much as I am, but I realize I am giving him too much power over me. Sounds to me like she is rubbing it in. Let it go. Go get a new look and show her she made the wrong choice. I envy a woman like her. I had a man who like your wife didn't appreciate what she had. Well show her what she had. I guess I need to follow my own advice and stop crying over the jerk |
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15/01/10 23:19:24 |
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