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Singles Chat Live Talk Discussion
Harlan's Single Talkshop chat room "Talk It Out Therapy" is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost.
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| help me deal with this...lies and coparenting |
| my ex and i were ok in january, feb things were very off. may 5th he went out w a girl 10 yrs younger than me, never came home and moved out the same day. we have two small kids. he has lied to me all through our former marriage. we were divorced june 3 (it went very fast). i walked away w nothing...he is now in the house and she is there except on the weekends the kids are over. part of my problem is he is still lying. he lies to the girls about when he is with his girlfriend, he lies to me all the time. he lies and he lies and he lies. at first i pulled away and saw it hurt my kids, then i tried to be "friendly" and make things ok but he is always lying and i have been finding out. i find myself getting pulled more into his life the more he lies because i want to prove it isnt in my head and that i know he is lying. how to i stop? how do i not care what he is doing anymore? this is making me crazy. my oldest has caught him lying a few times and doesnt want to see him but i have to make her go because of the agreement. i am losing myself in all this and cant move fwd. |
| By : runningbackwards : Female |
| Date/time : 10/11/09 12:35:34 |
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in addition |
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Female |
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before he met his gf...i was letting go of him and i seemed...ok about it. then he met this young girl and he seems to not be sad about me at all.. this is also making me a little crazy. *sigh* |
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10/11/09 12:36:48 |
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Willthepainstop? |
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Hello Runningbackwards,
My heart goes truly goes out to you. The situation with my ex is not the same, but I feel compelled to offer you support. In my case, there is not another women in the picture, but he did leave me with a mound of financial debt and our home is in foreclosure status. The stress is hefty and because he does not offer any assistance I feel completely betrayed and abandoned. However, things are working themselves out somehow and I find myself growing in strength with each passing day. The problem is that it is difficult to offer concrete advise on what to do because there is not one simple solution. There is no checklist to follow and even when you find a strategy that works, it doesn't work 100% of the time. I have good days and bad. Today is a very good day and when I have days like today, I try to cherish them and squeeze out every ounce of juice from it because I know that I might find myself in a bottomless pit tomorrow. I think that it's wise of you to try to make things "friendly" for the sake of your kids, but the injury is still fresh and I'm wondering if you have given yourself enough time to heal. If one of your kids had a broken ankle you probably would not allow them to walk on it until it was completely healed. If they did, their recovery would be delayed. The same holds true for you. I think that if you are going to commit to a friendship with him, you need to incorporate some protection for you and your children. Self care is very important during the recovery process, find a way to place him last on the list. For example, if you need to interact with him make sure that you place him as a last priority. Do everything on your to-do list, run all of your errands, make dinner, help your children with their homework, pamper yourself, clean the grout around your shower and then when all the other important stuff is done, then you can call him and tend to whatever matter needs to be addressed. In other words, make the grout in your shower a higher priority than interacting with him. Try coming up with a list of 20-30 ways to pamper yourself and any time that you have to interact with him, do 2-3 things on the list before you allow him into your field of energy. This way, you've nurtured your own needs and you will feel more in tact and confident when having to deal with him. It's about YOU! You've got to be #1 in your life. I wish I could offer more concrete solutions... Good luck to you! |
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10/11/09 18:17:21 |
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NewlyLost |
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runningbackwards, you say you keep getting drawn in because you want to prove it's not just in your head, that he really is lying. I think there are two things that will eventually break that pattern. When you realize it's not just in your head, he is really lying, and when the pain of continuing this destructive pattern becomes too costly. You still care, you still want to know why, or you still want something out of this relationship. When you realize, first in your head, and eventually in your heart, that the pain you are getting out of this relationship is too destructive, you will find a way to move on. I realized maybe 3 weeks ahead that my relationship was over, but my heart is just now coming to terms with it. Some days my heart is ready to move on. Some days I can only dwell on what if. Oh, another thing that has helped. I have been virtually non-functional on my job. I had to get my act together or perish. Working from home I would just cry all day. So I switched to working at my client's site, and that has helped break that circular thought pattern that is so easy to get into. It's helped me start moving on. Your circumstance is probably very different, but if you can recognize when and where you get into these crazy making thought patterns, try to change your circumstances to avoid them, it might help you. Maybe instead of staying home, go for a walk in the park or the mall. Anything, just change the pattern.
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10/11/09 22:56:57 |
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