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| Advice for dealing with a vindictive, hurtful STBX |
| Hello, If anyone has any suggestions for dealing with a vindictive, angry STBX I would appreciate the advice. A bit of history: I told him I wanted a divorce after he physically assaulted my 12 year old son. He tried for a week to convince me to stay, but became violent again. He has moved out, but has disconnected and reconnected the telephone and internet. He claims it will be cut off again in a few days. He failed at alleging my 12 yr old is violent to children's services, and has now decided to make up allegations of sexual abuse, again blaming my 12 year old. He had a friend of his call on Christmas eve and threaten physical violence, and threatens to return to the house in a few days. I have decided not to allow more than one phone call per day from him to our 11 month old baby because he is using these calls to insult and threaten. As our baby is small, I have to put the phone on speaker and he has made statements like "stay away from [brother] before he molests you" or calls me lewd names. I know that divorcing him is the best decision I have ever made, and want to move forward to a better life, but I feel that I'm often on edge waiting for the next attack. What have you done to stay positive? |
| By : AK : Female |
| Date/time : 26/12/09 10:17:53 |
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Java |
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Female |
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I would get my phone number changed as he has no business calling over to your house at all and insulting everyone. Were the Police called when he assaulted your 12 year old?
You may need to contact a local minister to get some counseling or a Christian Counselor if your insurance plan covers it to keep your perspective.
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| Date/Time |
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27/12/09 02:20:00 |
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2 |
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AK |
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Male |
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No, I hadn't called the police the evening he assaulted my son, but I immediately told him I wanted a divorce. he spent most of the next few days trying to convince me to stay with him, and even told the kids to convince me not to divorce him, and to keep it secret that he asked. I phoned the police one week later when he became violent again, grabbed me, and punched a hole in the wall.
The phone and most of the utilities are in his name. He has tried to exert control by disconnecting telephone service once already, and is threatening that it will happen again tomorrow. The children and I are moving out of the house this week - hopefully before he makes good on his threat to return. I will not be providing my new number to him as he indicated he intends to leave the cell phone (also in his name) connected so he may have telephone access to our 11 month old baby. I'd rather not take any calls from him, but he is threatening that if I do not allow him to talk on the phone to the baby, then he will consider it bloking his parental rights to access. I have now set up the phone so that it will record calls, and intend to inform him that the call is being recorded before he says anything. |
| Date/Time |
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27/12/09 13:52:58 |
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3 |
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Leah |
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Female |
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The assault on your child should have been reported and documented. The calls you describe sound as if they are close to being harassment and verbally abusive. I would contact my lawyer or the agencies that handle these types of situations where you leave. How can you 'bloke' his parental rights by not permitting him to 'talk' with an 11 month old baby? Can he really communicate with the child at this age over the phone? Sounds to me as if he is being controlling just as he is by having your utilities shut off. If I were in your situation I would cut all contact and obtain legal representation and have stbx make all contacts through them. Doesn't sound as if he is ready to sit and communicate with you yet so you must take control over what he is doing to you by being proactive. |
| Date/Time |
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30/12/09 16:14:37 |
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4 |
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AK |
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Female |
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I called the police back on the 28th and the officer told me that he was going to charge him with criminal harassment. I told my lawyer about it today, and she is still moving slowly and wont commit to getting the documents perpared and served by any particular date, but said that if I get an emergency protection order it buys us time...i don't want a protection order to buy us time, I want it to protect my children and I.
Am I being unreasonable? (Please someone tell me if I am, I honestly want to know.) How long does it take to prepare the divorce, custody, child support papers? I retained her on Nov 26, she didn't have enough time to get him served for the Dec 10 court date (its once per month where I live) but had said she would server him before Christmas "for sure." Now that has passed, and she won't commit to any date...I asked what it was looking like - march, april, may...no answer.
After talking to her, I did what she said and called the police about the Protection order. The police had told me to go to the courthouse to get one, my lawyer said to call the police to get one, and now the police say there is no immediate threat, so I have to still go to the courthouse to get one. AHHHH! I am so confused! Further complicating matters, I answered the cell that he pays for when it rang, and it was him, and he was back to his normal behaviour (which is good I guess) so at this point I would have to agree with the police and say there is no immediate threat, which makes getting an order at this time, pointless. I feel like I'm dealling with a person that swings between extremes, and can deal with him when he's like this, but am afraid of him when he's at the other extreme. I want him to be able to have visitation when he's acting normal, but am afraid that if he goes to the other extreme he will get it back in his head to run out of province with the baby.
I feel a little better being in the new house, but the future is scary....thanks for reading, and hopefully for some advice. |
| Date/Time |
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30/12/09 19:59:52 |
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5 |
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miken |
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Male |
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Admittedly I have not read all of the post only the initial post and partial answer/replies scanning them more so.
Regardless to having had made a formal reporting to the police, it would be advisable to to do so, let them know you agree it could be viewed as you being a hurt participant in a divorce, as that is as it is seen many times.
There is a deeply rooted problem in this and it is escalating (he is with the engagement).
An 11 month old child cannot understand a complete sentence so the speaker phone and phone calls are null and do little good if any besides him feeding himself.
This is nothing more than control on an obscene level and it will bend your mind at best and get you killed while engaging at most.
What is described is a very unstable person without any thought of anyone else - AKA no bounds and that's a damn scary thing.
You're child of 12 yrs, shouldn't be subjected to this jack-ass, when children have problems we address them not humiliate the child so that they become deceptive and hiding of a potential problem if one exist.
This guy is not a man, so he serves your 12yr old nothing at all except destructive tendencies and what a small minded man he is to proceed to take it out on a child in that manner and not stop himself, all of that being said, if a person does not respect the safety of your children then you mean far less as an ends to their means.
Don't even take the time to try and understand this ass-hole, just take it as sometimes we make major mistakes in life and this happens to be your, but as better humans we also go into action to ensure we clean up our mistakes.
Start by making a formal compliant to your local police office, then proceed with letting them know you wish that he does not access the property or family space until all court proceedings have been executed and ask for their advisement to maximize you helping them and them helping you in this effort.
You have a child with this ass and I cannot imagine the torment your child together will go through with someone so off the hook in their life, but God bless and be very supportive of your child together, it will be tiring and bumpy with each brush this guy imposes and he will impose at every opportunity, cut him out at all cost and at every corner for your mental safety and that of your children's that goes without saying the physical safety of all involved.
When people will not apply their own leash, sometimes you have to be pretty brutal to ensure they are bound as much as possible and he sounds like a war machine. |
| Date/Time |
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31/12/09 01:44:50 |
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6 |
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AK |
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Female |
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well, i guess out of all of this the kids learned a good lesson today: even if someone else is beingvindictive, angry, and destructive, WE get to choose out behaviours. We returned to the house, and made sure it was clean for the realtor to show to prospective buyers. STBX can choose to go back there too now that we have vacated, and even if he continues to destroy the place by breaking things, or punching holes in walls, we left it tidy. I guess it was some closure. Kind of a sad day for me...looking back and emembering the dreams and promise of being a homeowner for the first time. It was supposed to be the homee that the children returned to as adults, bringing their families for the holidays. I set up my own insurance policy yesterday, so that was closure to as I had to sign a release of interest for the old house. A little sad tonight...our New Years consisted of heading over to a new neighbours for the fireworks they were setting off, and now we are home again...I know he is celebrating with his dysfunctional friends who will encourage him to rebound. I know I'm going to have to deal with this guy for the next 17 years so it would be nice if he took some time to get the therapy he so desperately needs...I guess as this year comes to a close, I wish that the whole situation had been different. My emotions are still on a rollercoaster (how long does this last?) and its definitely on the low end right now :( |
| Date/Time |
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01/01/10 02:00:53 |
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7 |
| Name |
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Leah |
| Gender |
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Female |
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You have taken the necessary steps to provide a roof over your head and your children's and you should feel good about this. I am sorry that your relationship is over, but since it is you must continue to move forward as you have your children depending on you. The emotions you feel are normal during this time up and down, but as you move forward you will start to stabilize and feel better. Good luck to you. |
| Date/Time |
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01/01/10 23:14:53 |
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