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Singles Chat Live Talk Discussion
Harlan's Single Talkshop chat room "Talk It Out Therapy" is open 24/7. Use as needed. No appointment necessary, No waiting, No cost.
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| Having a tough day, looking for the kind ear... |
| I moved out about a year and a half ago after being together for 7 years. The divorce is final since June this year. I initially decided on the divorce, he wanted to work on it, I came around, then he changed his mind. He said to me "You are the best partner ever, I just can't deal with commitment." It is this rejection that still gets me on occasion.
He started dating a few weeks after I moved, and I have not dated yet because I really wanted to take time to heal and get myself together before I took a chance at being distracted by another relationship. I felt sad that he could move on so fast, but then let that go and was happy for him.
I had 4 step-kids with him, who I still love so much. I was trying to see the kids at first, but he was giving me confusing and painful mixed messages, so, I have not communicated with him except for a few non-emotional emails in about 6 months. I really miss the kids, but don't feel right about confusing them with this new young girlfriend and me coming back in the picture.
I have done everything you are supposed to do. Started new things, working out, taking great care of myself. I am doing my very best to move on, but things keep popping up. He is in his 40s and now has a girlfriend in her early twenties. I am not mad at her, or feeling jealous, just a bit concerned for her at times because I know she is naive. Yes, it is none of my business, but everyone I know knows him and I always end up hearing something. I want to move to another town, but finances do not allow for that currently.
I find myself not going to events that I think he will be at with her and I want to be able to go everywhere I want without whatever fear or block that is currently preventing me from doing so.
I am generally very positive and upbeat about everything and I have beautifully evolved so much since the divorce. It was especially hurting today for some reason.
I experience this bizarre thought that I am positive about not being with him for a multitude of reasons, yet, I still want to be with him. It makes me feel crazy sometimes. I really want to release this and clear this connection. Please say a prayer for me if you have a moment. Thank you! :-) |
| By : Christine : Female |
| Date/time : 19/01/10 04:13:32 |
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Phil |
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Male |
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Hang in there Christine :) It sounds like your head is already in the right place. I go through similar bouts myself (complete with unexpected news of the ex), and I know they're no fun - but you have people cheering you on here!
I hate having thoughts of wanting to "get back with my ex" and they happen without warning sometime. But when I look more closely at them, it's just their absence that I'm still getting used to... it's not really a desire to reunite.
When I'm really honest with myself I realize I don't really want to be with them again, I'm just angry for ruining it - for taking something what I thought was safe and secure away. Then I go back to not wanting to see them again (I'm just mad they made me not want to see them).
It's a horrible trap though - measuring your progress against what you perceive to be the ease at which they are moving on. As a man in my mid 40s, looking for a rewarding relationship with somebody in their early 20s is just a symptom of larger issues.
You seem to be facing your issues responsibly, while he seems to be using that young thing to delay facing his.
I lok forward to you being truly healthier and happier long before he will be. |
| Date/Time |
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19/01/10 17:04:30 |
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Christine |
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Female |
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Phil,
Thank You for your kind words.
...and for reading that with no paragraphs...I had no idea my paragraphs would not show through in the post.
I really do wish him the best on most days ;-) I want all people to find wholeness, and happiness.
We all have our paths we must take in life, sometimes they are disagreeable to others - not being alone and not facing his issues is his path now. His healing will come at the perfect time for him as will all of ours.
He only had two months after his previous wife of seven years moved out before he was with me. I should have seen the signs, but, I was naive, now I am wiser. It was exactly what I needed though. I learned so much, and I am deeply appreciative of that gift.
I had cried a lot today and after I wrote that first post. I haven't cried about it much in the last few months. It was a good release. Reading your words also helped me feel better. I feel warm now. The internet can be so cold and so very warm at times.
:-]
Thank You! |
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19/01/10 17:34:27 |
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Sarah |
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Female |
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Christine, I am just curious as to what your relationship is like with his ex wife? If you both are somewhat comfortable with each other, maybe you could find time to see your stepkids through her. Also, she could be a great support system for you, as she has been through the same thing. As for your ex, this is a pattern he apparently has not learned yet to stop. When you are feeling blue just remember that. I have no doubt that you will find the perfect one for you next time. Every post I read here has alittle of all of us in them. It gives me a sence of comfort to know I am not alone. I sucks to feel alone. Smile, because you deserve to. |
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19/01/10 17:53:03 |
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Christine |
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Female |
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Sarah,
Thank You for the kind words and suggestion.
She may support me. She cried when she found out we were getting divorced(!) Mostly because she knew how close the kids and I were. We weren't great friends, but she was respectful and thankful that the kids had someone who loved them and was there for them to the level I was.
I do not currently have a vehicle, and they live about 2 hours away from me. Plus, I go back to the thing of me not wanting to confuse them, so that is not an option, at least for now. |
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19/01/10 18:16:34 |
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miken |
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Male |
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You keep growing and the end result will be as you have taken notice to - it has some beautiful expressions within it all.
On the new girl thing, she to will find we are the most receptive and grow when we find pain - it really only matter that the individual grow.
I'm not endorsing pain etc.. That would be ludicrous but it does bring about some good when someone takes the time for themselves to understand better and deeper meanings of how we are and who we are and what we've become through it all - we can then hope that and share that (not in such painful way) but expression with others in hope that they will achieve. |
| Date/Time |
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19/01/10 19:31:08 |
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6 |
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Christine |
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Female |
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Miken,
You are right, we can learn a lot from painful times. We can learn a lot from any feeling 'good' or 'bad' if we open ourselves to the teaching.
Thank You!
:-)
Christine |
| Date/Time |
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20/01/10 12:52:32 |
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7 |
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ModestMoose |
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Male |
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I have been having dreams of me and my ex getting back together and it sucks so bad, I wake up all suicidal and devastated and have to go throughout the day trying to convince myself that it's not a sign of me having to try to work things out, one last time.
I just try to remind myself of how cold blooded she can be and how the rejection would probably give me the opposite feeling of her loving embrace and I say
HELL TO THE NO!
I know that I am dreaming of better times because I am in emotional hell but that doesn't make my dreams true and I am not strong enough to handle another heart ache.
Good luck Christine, you sound cool and I'm sure someone will see that in you and treat you like you deserve one day. |
| Date/Time |
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21/01/10 23:04:53 |
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Christine |
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Female |
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Thanks Moose,
I find that dreams can be telling you many things. One could be that you are still connected to the person in a negative and draining way. Another is that you are clearing the negativity from your being...or a combination of both. You will discover the messages when the time is right.
Sending you gentle healing breezes to the center of your spirit.
Thank You!
:-D
Christine |
| Date/Time |
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31/01/10 17:35:53 |
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9 |
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Norma |
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Female |
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I agree with everything everyone has said, My ex was horrible to my kids and demanded he diciplin them with an iron fist. He belived he deserved respect and thats how he demaded it. I couldn't hadle it any more. After working one of my three jobs I put my foot down and asked him to leave. He now has this arogance about himself as if he is awfully offended that I threw him out!!!
He abused his privliages as a step father and stopped him.
I feel I have a good head on my shoulders and have a lot of confidence but this one hit me hard!
I loved him whole heartedly! He OFFENEDED me!! I hurt inside so deep becuz I feel betrayed, he stole my and my childrens security and safety and made us all walk on egg shells. I loved him so much. I can't seem to getthis sunking feeling in my chest like as if though I lost something dear to me and it is so painful to raise my head. I stiffle any tears I have for him, becuz in my mind I don't think he dersves my tears. My children stood by me and I know we'll be ok, but I find my feet get heavy from time to time. I do miss him??? not sure about that either. I guess I miss being a couple. Again that security of having a mate.
I'm sure my life will get better, I pray every day for my children and I.
Please pray for me to be comfortable in my own world again.
Norma |
| Date/Time |
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12/02/10 13:52:27 |
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